Friday, November 30, 2012

Crazy Conciousness.

I've been guilty of given power to irrational thinking. While I know that is so dangerous and only self destructive, but last night I was pushed to a point where I felt the pain of being so overcome by emotions that I felt separated from my consciousness and who I am. I had a terrible panic attack last night. Its the first one I've had, I've never experienced some thing so prolonged and separated from God and the truth of reality.
I honestly felt crazy, I thought I was being attacked by soemthing supernatural, turns out my thoughts and mind are much stronger than I had ever realized.
Now the only way I can prevent something so terribly as this, is to be aware of the distructive thoughts I believe, the irrationality that consumes and deforms my truth and confident.
I WILL overcome this, I do NOT have to get to that point again.
I am not going to be my own worst enemy, I will treat myself better than that and make sure that I do not allow irrational thoughts that decieve me.
My boyfriend isn't going to just get up and leave me for no reason.
JUST because that has happened before does not mean anything! My relationship is healthy and a blessing and SO different than the rest which I am so thankful for. THAT'S the reality, not my creative dangerously imaginative mind that took over last night.
Keep in mind it's about to be that time of month and I've been sick this week, but it's not just that.
Truth is a truth.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
Dear God, take this anxiousness, I clearly don't know how to deal with it. I am fearful of another attack please rescue me from that experience, I am depending on you.
Cast all your fears upon Him because He cares for you.
I'm letting go of last night right meow.
This is real life.  An image that helped me last night was the warmth of Christmas and family and such. So THAT'S what I shall be changing my train of thought to. No matter how silly, I will be doing that. I refuse to be overcome.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Food Diaries.

This could always be my pms talking, but I never feel content with my body.

Like many people, I have had my past and present struggles with eating disorders as well as very distorted veiws of body image and relationships with food.
I mostly obsessed with my body in high school, but after an awful break up a year ago I clung on very tightly to how I could better myself. I felt  in control and beautiful and hot and all of the above when I could not eat something. It was self-control not self-harm.

Last year was one of the most difficult with my eating disorder. Since then it has been a spotty struggle usually flaring up when I am discontent with something or worried. Which happens. Unfortunately no matter what I try to control, I am still very much human. Despite all of our human efforts.

A thing that truly drives me crazy, in alll my struggle, is when someone is aware of my past of hatred for my body and struggle with food, and they talk about how they are trying to loose "seven pounds" or they think "they're fat." For them, it's most likely an "off day" a "fat day." For those who live in a thought process of a eating disorder mind, they live in "fat days."

It's a choice everyday to overcome this battle. Obsessing over excercise and my love of dance helps, but obsessing in general, just hinders.

Needed to get that off my chest. It's one of those nights that I just look down at my soft smooshy stomach in disgust. I am now choosing to tell myself to "own my body" at whatever shape or size.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

This is my best friend.

Im gonna miss her the most, Krin<3


End of the year shenanigans!
I have just completely my last final at my University. Its a very bittersweet moment.
I am not looking forward to leaving the beautiful twin cities that I fall more in love with everyday.
ALSO. I will beginning a long distance relationship. EEP.
We will get through it, I mean it is only about 3 months, but it still sucks butt to only see someone you really care about slash very much like, every two weeks.
Not that its impossible or EXTREMELY difficult, but it just is just not ideal.
I have been in long distant relationship, I hated it, but this is worth it. Cause I like him. Lots.
We shall make it work :)
Little things that I am thankful this morn:
(other then being completely finished with finals...)
--being inside when the rain is pouring down.
feeling all cozy like...
--starting my job at the floral shop again, and these beautiful weddings in combination with wonderful flowers and lovvvveeeeeee.
--babies! My sister AND my sister-in-law had their babies with in two days of eachother! and as the aunt, I am the designanted baby-sitter. aawwwww ya!
This is my sister Allie and my brother-in-law's new little buddle Lark Lillian.
They have named her as their blessing, "Why would you worry when the Lord is comforting you. He clothes the lillies of the field and the larks of the air? Why would he not do more for you whom he loves"
And this is my brother and sister-in Law's babe Ryer Timothy. He is the fifth child of theirs. Cute as ever.
 and MY baby Ella Fitzgerald. I have missed her, probably the most. (Dont tell mama Lori) There is just no stronger comfort than my puppy dog. I love her. Lots. So maybe she can fill the void of my mister when he isn't around to cuddle with. Except I'll have to be the big spoon...
These are somethings that need to keep me hopeful about the summer. Even though it will totally fly by I do not want to wish it away.
I will most def keep up with my blog this summersss, because I have NOTHING to do ;) (that's a lie, I got lots, but blogging will keep me sane(er).
drink coffee. lots of coffees.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Vent Session

Creativity seems so much safer to me and easier than relationships.
Not necessarily romantical mushy gushy, but more so relationships in general, especially really tough friendships.
I have never had much luck with holding onto friendships, I mean sometimes I have a hard time handling myself why in the world would I add another to the equation, right?
That is a very negative way to think about it, but I had a bad experience with someone I used to so strongly consider my friend.
People are surprising. They don't always understand. And sometimes I wonder whether being beaten down over and over again is worth hurt and aggravation.
Clearly I'm not going to just give up, but some friendships just don't seem worth it at times.

Everyone has something that occurs like this, the point where you say to your self: "Self, do I really want to go through this over and over again?"
Yes or no?
I have no idea where to go at this point.
To rise above it or finally let it go completely.
Each answer has its pains and reliefs.

ENOUGH venting on my part...
the point of all this feeling sorry for myself is that I find so much loyalty and consistency in what I do creatively.
It's a safe place. You're creations are under your molding hands and you don't have to worry about them dropping you as a friend or breaking your trust or hurting your heart and making it sore.
In turn, it stirs your mind and inspiration.
Filling you with a totally feeling of worth and placement in the world.
Knowing what you've made is exactly how you need/ want it to be and if it's not exactly what you expected you can start over or change it! No one else can influence it, unless you allow them to.

This all sounds very 'sad', but I have people I love an depend on, trust included, but this is just the sadness I'm feeling right now.
I'm sure you can relate in one way or another.
This world is so selfish, I have been guilty of such, but I wish we could open up our understanding to know why or how we hurt others.
I've hurt others, but I feel more than one time offenders should reflect one their actions or insensitivity.
Yes, I may be easily hurt, but think of where you've come from.

AHHH. Depth. So much thinking. I need something cute to brighten such a mood.....
Yep, that did it for me. Help?
Now, for my sake. Have a good day.
Cuddle with someone you love, treat those you see every day and take for granted, be thankful for them and let them know.
And if you're anything like me...
Cuddle with your Large white chocolate mocha (skim milk) and tell it how much you are thankful for it....
nom nom

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

No one likes a stick in the mud, or mud for that matter.

Don't you hate it when you are all prepped for the morning, readying for anything feeling hot, and there's one thing or some one that just shuts you down.One of your pet peeves just hits you head on saying: "Uh no! You can't be happy in  the morning."
It may look like this:
bumper to bumper traffic stopping and speeding and braking and bleck! This is the worst when you're less than I mile from your exit and it takes 30 minutes to get there...I'm not bitter but...
OR the fact that some people attract slow cars, I fear that my mother has passed this curse down to me. In my home town of little Pella, Iowa we would always be caught behind an old fart driver who could of possibly been my grandma or grandpa or ex boyfriend (AWKWARD) anyways: traffic and interactions with other cars slash vehicles can be bad for me in the morning.

Another thing is when I don't get THIS in my system!
nuff said.

OR when THIS happens:

This happens too much. In spite, I eat my cereal anyways.
HA funny story: I was at my brother's house and I wanted trix cereal SO I did just this, BUT instead of just eating it plain, I may or may not have had my first experience with eggnog. DON'T TRY IT. Trix with eggnog, not okay, not even edible, but yes I ate it, all of it.

Snooty pooty girls in the morning. When I think I look good, feeling fine you know put together until you see this girl who looks TOTALLY effortlessly gorgeous, meh..."Oh yes I wake up and look this beautiful, no big deal, you should probably feel bad." Don't worry, I do meany pants. Even moreso I am bothered by those guys, you know THOSE guys who decide to give them the attention that they are so easy getting. But thats just one of those morning things...

I thought I should add something a little more light-hearted and well less muddy. I want to post some of my dance photos. For me I love looking at other dancer's photography and the beauty of the human body and the art of it all.

these photos are from my dance team recital last year. So they're pretty old, but this is one of my loves and it definitely makes up for a bad morning if I get to dance my heart out.

Friday, February 3, 2012


When I speak of these tendencies I'm not necessarily referring to personality or attitude, but moreso  someone's preferences or choices. 
Peoples obsessions don't tend to be something they actually identify as their obsession; the act or process is just second nature and happens without second thought.
As  a human with access to tecnological advancements, I take full advantage and tend to have my favorites...
DANCE MOMS. This show is absolutely saturated with ridiculousness, but it's SO ADDICTIVE. These mothers are ridiculous, but Abby Lee (ahem that woman so proudly standing above all crisscrossed and such) produces their little girls to be some of the most talented little dancers you could ever imagine. That is basically what this show revolves around: a group of 6-14 year old girls from Abby Lee dance studio on her competition team going to various competitions and kicking some serious dancer butt placing in 1st and 2nd in solos and group dances. Being a dancer, I really appreciate the choreography, content, and the performance aspects, even though we don't get to see the whole routines via Dance Moms but on you tube, due to copyrights. 
If you enjoy crazy mama drama mixed with hardcore talent you'll love Dance Moms.
If you don't take my word for it, check out "MyDamnChannel" aka Daily Grace.
Other shows I have or still am addicted to: How I Met Your Mother, The Vampire Diaries (I dislike Twilight, but I love this show), Law & Order: SVU, So You Think You Can Dance, Say Yes to the Dress....

PINTEREST. Holy time consumer  alert.
To me, this is a never ending cycle. I'll get on my computer trying to start my motivations to get my homework done early and such, and in the midst I'll try to recall what I need to complete, but in my hard thinking I automatically pull up pinterest and slowly but surely start my 'pinning' and 'repinning.'
This tend to consume my life for a few hours.
To those you know my struggle and tend to do that themselves: Thanks for understanding. To those who have yet to discover the world of Pinterest: your mind will be blown.
You can have virtual cork boards of whatever you want. As far as I know you can have as many as your creative little tush wants!

Here is a link to my pinterest. Enjoy kiddies. I love it so much. Too much. Obsession.

My boards are usually craft, dance, cosmetics, decor, wedding, fashion oriented, but I enjoy a lot of the art and such you can display.
As an artist and appreciator of what I arts I am not able to do, it is a VERY inspiring sight to just get over that bump or writers cramp or whatever creative endeavor you are stuck on.

As I have blogged before I have a sparrow on my back shoulder so clearly this love of birds is genuine.
I have always been inspired by the really antique vintage things and among those: BIRDS.
when I was researching my tattoo I came across lots of gorgeous pictures and drawings that I enjoy.
I always view birds as a sign of hope, or messengers, that spring is hear, that they're looking for a loved one by giving what they can in a song :) cheesy.

If I was a rich girl....I would buy out this store every season.
There clothing is a little bit pricy for a starving artist slash college student, but it matches and grows my style so greatly.
Because of my love I tend to shop the sale until something I fell in love with has been lowered in price or I find someone of my own knock off (go to vintage/antique/thrift stores knowing what to look for and remaking it.)
I do this with TOPSHOP ( )which is WAY expensive, but I will admit I have splurged for it and ASOS (



Those are just a few of my favorite obsessions of mine. Hope you enjoyed!
In the words of Tigger: TTFN (Tah Tah for now)
try not to go "awe" at this.