Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Food Diaries.

This could always be my pms talking, but I never feel content with my body.

Like many people, I have had my past and present struggles with eating disorders as well as very distorted veiws of body image and relationships with food.
I mostly obsessed with my body in high school, but after an awful break up a year ago I clung on very tightly to how I could better myself. I felt  in control and beautiful and hot and all of the above when I could not eat something. It was self-control not self-harm.

Last year was one of the most difficult with my eating disorder. Since then it has been a spotty struggle usually flaring up when I am discontent with something or worried. Which happens. Unfortunately no matter what I try to control, I am still very much human. Despite all of our human efforts.

A thing that truly drives me crazy, in alll my struggle, is when someone is aware of my past of hatred for my body and struggle with food, and they talk about how they are trying to loose "seven pounds" or they think "they're fat." For them, it's most likely an "off day" a "fat day." For those who live in a thought process of a eating disorder mind, they live in "fat days."

It's a choice everyday to overcome this battle. Obsessing over excercise and my love of dance helps, but obsessing in general, just hinders.

Needed to get that off my chest. It's one of those nights that I just look down at my soft smooshy stomach in disgust. I am now choosing to tell myself to "own my body" at whatever shape or size.